Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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