I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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