Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
