So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
