checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
