Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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