I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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