I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
