I've blown a few things in my day
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
