dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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