Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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