i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
