Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
