You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
