I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
