I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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