i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
