I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
