I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
