I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
