I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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