One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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