It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
