So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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