In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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