I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
