Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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