I accidentally had phone sex last night
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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