Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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