my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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