"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
