shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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