I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
