i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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