They should really pass out barf bags in church
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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