I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
