my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
