Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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