I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
