we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i will never coherently bang her
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
