Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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