I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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