pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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