so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
