On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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