The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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