I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So vagazzling was a success
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
