By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
