No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
