how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
