Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
